New Girl Spec Script 'At The Doctor's'
by cbstevp
Summary: Cece visits the doctor and Jess worries about what she will decide to do, Schmidt and Elizabeth have a fight, and Winston and Daisy reach a new understanding in their relationship. Follows events in "Getting Home".


FADE IN

INT. LOFT, DINING ROOM TABLE - NIGHT

JESS, NICK, SCHMIDT, and WINSTON sit around the table, guys with beers, Jess with a glass of soda. Jess has a clipboard in hand and a pen.

JESS

Okay, let's do this. First, the shower.

WINSTON

Absolutely not.

SCHMIDT

Really? But I love the shower!

NICK

No way. Shower is off limits.

JESS

Yeah. Why don't we just make it the whole bathroom area?

WINSTON

Sounds good.

SCHMIDT

You guys! That's like, half my territory!

NICK

Okay, then the next time the toilet is plugged up with used condoms you're doing the plunging!

Everyone makes a face.

JESS

Ewww. Bathroom, off limits. And the laundry room as well?

NICK

Yup. Good idea.

WINSTON

There's no room in there anyway. Schmidt?

SCHMIDT

Fine! Ruin my life. Go ahead!

They ignore him as Jess makes two ticks on her clipboard.

JESS

Okay, next. The kitchen and dining area?

NICK

Definitely not.

WINSTON

We cook and eat here. No way.

Schmidt is silent. They all look at him.

SCHMIDT

All right!

Jess has ticked two more items off her list

WINSTON

I guess that just leaves the living room.

JESS

Living room...I don't know. At night, all alone with your significant other, watching a good movie, snuggling up, it could be romantic and...

NICK

Things happen.

SCHMIDT

No.

WINSTON

Never.

NICK AND JESS

Why not?

Schmidt points to Nick and Jess.

SCHMIDT

There will be no snuggling between you two on my sofa!

WINSTON

Snuggling is fine, just no going all the way. That's where we sit and relax.

NICK

Point taken. No living room. Jess?

JESS

If everyone is against it...there.

Jess ticks one more item.

WINSTON

What does that leave?

JESS

Just our bedrooms.

WINSTON

Fine with me.

NICK

I'm okay.

JESS

Me, too.

SCHMIDT

No! I have the smallest bedroom. And Jess and Nick, you now have two bedrooms to do it in. How is that fair?

WINSTON

He has a point.

NICK

And you two can sleep over at your woman's house any time you like!

JESS

Yeah! And have a whole apartment to do it in, any room you like!

SCHMIDT

True. Well, that sounds like my cue to go visit Elizabeth. This place just doesn't hold any danger for me anymore.

He stands and Winston does as well.

WINSTON

I'm outta here, too.

JESS

Where are you going?

WINSTON

Daisy is in town. Said she wants to talk about 'us'.

NICK

That doesn't sound good.

WINSTON

No, it's all good. She said her company is keeping her in LA more often. I think she's going to pop the boyfriend question.

JESS

Good luck.

Schmidt and Winston leave the loft. Jess and Nick look at each other and grin.

NICK

All alone. In a big loft. With no one around.

JESS

Oh, that sounds like an invitation. Where first, Mr. Miller?

Nick takes her hand and they stand. He picks her up by the waist and puts her on the table.

JESS

Oh!

NICK

Right here, Ms. Day!

They kiss and start to make out.

NICK

We are so dirty.

JESS

Shower second!

PLAY THEME SONG AND ROLL CREDITS

INT. SADIE'S CLINIC, WAITING ROOM - DAY

Jess and CECE sit in the waiting room. Cece is very worried.

CECE

I'm not ready for this.

JESS

You'll be fine. I'll be right here, holding your hand, brushing any tears away.

CECE

You know we sound like some lesbian couple in a Lifetime movie.

Sadie comes out of her office.

SADIE

Jess, Cece, come on back to the exam room.

INT. SADIE'S EXAM ROOM - DAY

Cece is on the exam table on her back, and Sadie is giving her an ultrasound exam. Jess stands nearby looking at the monitor. Sadie is still very pregnant. Jess looks at her belly.

JESS

When are you due?

SADIE

Less than one month.

JESS

Should you still be working?

Cece

Jess, she's a doctor, she knows what is good and bad for her.

SADIE

Not to worry, I'll be on maternity leave soon. Sorry I missed the wedding. My back was killing me.

CECE

My wedding was a bit of a disaster.

SADIE

I've heard the highlights. (beat) I remember you said that you and Shivrang were not having sex.

CECE

We decided to wait until we got married, which never happened so...

SADIE

So, when was the last time you did have sex?

JESS

(smiling)

Last night. It was great.

They both look at her oddly.

JESS

Oh...Cece.

Sadie smiles at Jess.

SADIE

Yes, I heard that you and Nick are an item now. Congratulations. If I were straight, I'd go for him, too.

JESS

(flustered)

Well, I wouldn't exactly say we're an item.

CECE

They love each other.

SADIE

(surprised)

Really?

JESS

(blushing)

Ah...yeah.

SADIE

Wow. That was fast.

JESS

Not really. Nick and I have an odd relationship. Most people date first before living together. We did the opposite. We've already lived together for almost two years. So we've got a lot of the hard things out of the way. You know, bathroom habits, eating styles, the big arguments. Lots of those. And then...then we fell for each other. I guess we are an item.

SADIE

I'd say so.

CECE

Moving on. It's been almost two months since I had sex. God, just saying that makes my life sound so boring.

Sadie is moving around the ultrasound device on Cece's belly.

SADIE

Okay...let's see...uh-huh. Yes...there we are, ladies.

Jess and Cece look closely at the monitor and see the very small image of a baby.

SADIE

Yes, you are definitely with child. I'd say at this stage about seven weeks of development.

CECE

(awed)

Oh, my God.

JESS

Wow. Little Cece and...and...

SADIE

And who?

Awkward silence.

SADIE

No? Okay, none of my business. But I am required to advise you that there are plenty of legal ramifications if you do not tell the father you are pregnant.

CECE

It's Schmidt. It's Schmidt's baby.

SADIE

Oh. I see.

CECE

And he loves another woman.

She starts to tear up.

JESS

Don't cry!

Jess holds her hand, strokes her hair.

CECE

(emotional)

What am I going to do? My family will never understand. And I'll lose my modeling career. I can't raise a baby by myself.

Jess looks at Sadie.

JESS

What are her options?

SADIE

Three. Have the baby and raise it. Have the baby and give it up for adoption. And...and...

CECE

And number three...have an abortion.

Sadie nods and Jess' face is more distraught than Cece's at hearing this.

SADIE

Whatever you decide, you have to tell Schmidt.

INT. ELIZABETH'S OFFICE - DAY

ELIZABETH stands over at a large table, and it looks like she is laying out the design of what looks like a magazine. Schmidt enters the open doorway, holding a paper bag.

SCHMIDT

I brought lunch.

She smiles at him and he enters.

ELIZABETH

Thanks, Big Guy. What is it?

Schmidt pulls out two small green salads in plastic containers. Her face falls.

ELIZABETH

This is lunch?

SCHMIDT

Yes. A nice crispy, healthy green salad. And I thought later after work we'd go to a health club. My company has a great deal at this...what?

She's giving him an angry look.

ELIZABETH

Schmidt...don't try to change me.

SCHMIDT

I'm not.

ELIZABETH

You are! I'm happy the way I am. And if you don't love me for what I am, then what does that say about our relationship?

SCHMIDT

I am happy with the way you are! I do love you! I just thought...I...

ELIZABETH

What? That I could stand to lose ten pounds?

Schmidt mumbles something and she can't hear him.

ELIZABETH

What?

SCHMIDT

Nothing, forget it.

ELIZABETH

(mad)

Tell me!

SCHMIDT

More.

ELIZABETH

More? You mean more than ten pounds?

SCHMIDT

Yes! But in fairness it's only like, twelve or...or fifteen pounds.

She points to the door.

ELIZABETH

OUT!

SCHMIDT

What? What about lunch?

She opens the salad package and dumps it all over his head.

ELIZABETH

Here's your lunch!

She rips open the plastic packet of dressing and squeezes it on top of his head.

ELIZABETH

Don't forget your dressing!

Schmidt just stands there and takes it.

INT. NICK'S BAR - DAY

It's quiet, daytime, with only a few customers, the regulars like Sid. Nick is polishing glasses when Schmidt enters and sits. His hair is damp as if he just washed it.

NICK

Been swimming?

SCHMIDT

Something like that. Beer me.

Nick opens a bottle of Heisler and hands it to him.

NICK

You've got a piece of lettuce in your hair.

He points to where it is and Schmidt pulls it out and throws it on the bar. Nick wipes it up.

NICK

Okay. It's after lunch and you're not at work and you've got lettuce in your hair. Tell me all about it.

SCHMIDT

I screwed up with Elizabeth.

NICK

Well, that didn't take long.

SCHMIDT

I just...I just want her to be healthy.

NICK

Let me guess. You asked her to lose weight?

SCHMIDT

Sort of.

NICK

You're still a douchebag.

SCHMIDT

I am. Do you have a jar around here?

Nick points to a large glass jar marked 'Tip Jar'. Schmidt pulls out a ten dollar bill and puts it into the jar.

NICK

This feels more like a twenty-dollar douchebag event.

SCHMIDT

Yeah, you're right.

Schmidt puts in another ten bucks.

INT. SADIE'S CLINIC, WAITING ROOM - DAY

Winston and DAISY are sitting there. Winston looks around at other women and couples and is clearly uncomfortable.

WINSTON

I still don't get why I have to be here.

DAISY

You want to be my boyfriend?

WINSTON

Yes, baby, I told you last night.

DAISY

Then this is what boyfriends do. They go with their girlfriend to see her doctor. And now that my company is keeping me here in LA more often, we're going to be having sex on a regular basis, so...

WINSTON

Yeah, I'm into that!

She gives him a grin.

DAISY

...so I want to go on the pill. No more condom adventures.

WINSTON

I can dig it. I...hey? Is that Jess and Cece? It is.

They see Cece and Jess leaving the exam room, talking to Sadie.

DAISY

Isn't she your roommate?

WINSTON

Yeah. But what are they doing here?

Daisy gives him a look like he's stupid.

DAISY

They're women. This is an OB/GYN clinic.

Cece and Jess start walking toward the reception desk and they see Winston, and both look very surprised.

JESS

(flustered)

Winston! What...oh, hi Daisy!

DAISY

Hi...Jess. And...?

JESS

This my friend, Cece. You guys met once at the loft.

CECE

Briefly. Hello.

DAISY

Hi. Winston told me about your wedding. Sorry.

Cece gives Winston a dirty look and he seems like he wants to crawl under the chair he is sitting on. She looks back to Daisy.

CECE

He did? And did he tell you about what he did at my wedding?

DAISY

Yeah, he came clean. Kind of hard to hide a badger bite scar.

WINSTON

In all fairness, I...

CECE

(interrupting)

No. You don't get to make any excuses for that.

Awkward silence. Winston looks like he wants to run away.

JESS

So, what brings you guys here? Family planning?

She seems embarrassed after saying that.

JESS

Sorry...none of my business.

DAISY

No, that's OK. That's why we are here. Thinking about going on the pill.

JESS

Oh, interesting. I tried it once, when I first started living with my ex, Spencer. Kind of a disaster.

FLASHBACK - INT. BATHROOM

Jess is bent over, brushing her teeth and then lifts her head up and looks in the mirror. Her face is all swollen and puffy.

JESS

AHHHHHHHHH!

INT. SADIE'S CLINIC, WAITING ROOM - DAY

JESS

But that doesn't happen to everyone.

Daisy looks worried. Sadie pops out of her office.

SADIE

Daisy?

They stand up.

JESS

Nice to see you again.

DAISY

Yes, you too. Bye.

CECE

Bye.

WINSTON

Yeah, nice...yeah. Bye.

Cece gives Winston a dirty look and he runs past her quick. Winston and Daisy start to walk to the office. Behind them the RECEPTIONIST is talking to Cece and Jess.

RECEPTIONIST

Here is your copy of the ultrasound. And the information on your pregnancy options.

Cece is not quite herself so Jess scoops it all up.

JESS

Thank you.

Winston has seen and heard all and is quite bug-eyed.

WINSTON

(quiet, to himself)

Damn! Jess is knocked up!

INT. NICK'S BAR - NIGHT

It's more crowded now. Schmidt is drunk at the bar, head lolling. Winston is sitting next to him, beer in hand, but he is very sober. He is freaking out, keeps looking to Nick, seems like he wants to talk, says nothing. Nick is making a cocktail for a nice looking BUSINESS LADY, a bit older, in a business type skirt suit. He puts the drink on the bar. She already looks tipsy.

BUSINESS LADY

What time do you get off?

Nick looks around, surprised.

NICK

(surprised)

Me? Ah...sorry. Already taken.

BUSINESS LADY

Too bad.

She picks up her drink and walks away.

NICK

(to Winston)

What is it about being a bartender? Women just fall all over you.

WINSTON

You have to quit.

NICK

What?

WINSTON

You have to quit...now. Get a real job. An important job. Get away from all these women. I know...go back to law school! Use your zombie money to pay for it.

SCHMIDT

If Nick quits how will we get free drinks?

WINSTON

Nick has more important things to think about!

NICK

What is wrong with you?

WINSTON

Nothing...I'm cool. I'm...ahhh!

Jess has appeared at his side.

JESS

Hey guys...

(to Winston)

What's wrong with you?

WINSTON

Nothing. I'm cool.

Jess smiles at Nick.

JESS

Hey.

NICK

(grins)

Hey. Good day?

JESS

A bit rough. Can I have a pink wine?

NICK

Coming right up, pretty lady. All ready and waiting for you.

He tries to hand her the glass of wine and Winston freaks out.

WINSTON

NO! You can't!

He knocks it out of Nick's hand. The glass shatters on the bar and wine goes everywhere.

NICK

What the hell, Winston?

JESS

What's wrong with you?

WINSTON

Nothing. I'm cool

SCHMIDT

You are definitely not cool.

Winston grabs Schmidt.

WINSTON

Bathroom!

INT. NICK'S BAR, MEN'S BATHROOM

Winston pulls Schmidt into the bathroom

SCHMIDT

What the hell is going on?

WINSTON

I know a secret.

SCHMIDT

(intrigued)

Oh? Well, dish, Oprah!

WINSTON

What did you just call me?

SCHMIDT

Nothing. Just, dish.

INT. NICK'S BAR - NIGHT

Nick is handing Jess another glass of pink wine.

NICK

Sorry about that. The two of them are acting so weird today.

JESS

Weirder than usual?

NICK

Well...maybe not. But Schmidt and Elizabeth had a fight and...

Then they hear a SCREAM coming from the bathroom. Everyone looks that way. Schmidt and Winston come out.

JESS

Did someone die?

SCHMIDT

No, no, all cool. All...no! NOT COOL!

He dashes to Jess' side and stops and smiles.

SCHMIDT

Can I taste your wine?

Jess shrugs.

JESS

Sure.

He takes the glass and starts to drink, and keeps drinking and then flattens it.

JESS

Schmidt! That was my drink!

SCHMIDT

God, that was awful! Oh, well, time to go home. Coming, Jess?

JESS

I just got here. And I haven't even had a drink yet.

WINSTON

Yeah, let's get you home, away from all this booze, and people and...things, bad things.

They start to pull her away from the bar.

JESS

What? No, stop! What are you doing?

WINSTON

(to Schmidt)

Be gentle! She's delicate!

SCHMIDT

I am being gentle! You're the one pulling her too frickin' hard!

Nick has come around the bar and has a baseball bat in hand.

NICK

(angry)

You two idiots let her go and tell me what is going on right now or so help me God I'm going to start hitting home runs! I'm serious!

They let go of Jess.

SCHMIDT

(to Winston)

Tell him.

NICK

Tell me what?

WINSTON

It's not my place. Jess, you tell him.

JESS

(confused)

Tell him what? What are you...oh...oh, no! Sadie's office! You think it's me? No, I'm not pregnant! Cece is!

And she suddenly realizes what she just said and gasps and puts her hand over her mouth.

Nick glares at Schmidt and Winston.

NICK

You two _are_ idiots. You thought Jess was pregnant and I was the father? We just started having sex like...not even a month ago!

The whole bar is quiet as everyone is listening. Sid gives Nick a thumbs up, and Nick grins.

NICK

Okay, okay, everyone back to drinking.

The bar background noise rises as people turn away and begin to talk again. Schmidt's eyes are wide and he is staring at Jess.

SCHMIDT

Cece is pregnant? For real this time?

JESS

(caught)

No...I...she...Fine! Yes, she's pregnant.

Shocked silence for a moment.

SCHMIDT

And...and who's the father?

JESS

Apparently it's you.

NICK

(amazed)

Schmidt!

WINSTON

No way!

SCHMIDT

Wait a minute! What about Chev...Shevy...you know, small Indian guy with the new tall blond wife?

JESS

She never slept with Shivrang. Or anyone else but you since she broke up with Robby.

SCHMIDT

(puzzled)

But we haven't sleep together since...Oh, crap. Indian wedding convention night?

JESS

Yup.

SCHMIDT

Oh, crap.

NICK

Yup.

WINSTON

Congratulations, man!

All three of them look at him like he's crazy.

WINSTON

Oh, yeah. Cause...yeah. Crap.

SCHMIDT

I have to call her.

JESS

NO! She's going to talk to you, later tonight...or tomorrow. So please, please don't tell her I told you!

Schmidt just nods.

SCHMIDT

I...I need to get some air.

He walks away, exits the bar.

WINSTON

Sorry for the confusion.

JESS

(concerned)

Go with him.

Winston nods and leaves. Jess and Nick go back to the bar. He gives her another pink wine.

JESS

God, they thought it was me! Us!

NICK

Yeah, imagine that.

Jess' eyes get wide...well, wider.

JESS

No, I can't. Not yet.

NICK

No. So...what is Cece going to do?

JESS

I don't know. She's still trying to take it all in.

NICK

Well, I'm no expert at all this baby stuff. But I know one thing. She'd better talk to Schmidt first before she decides anything.

INT. SCHMIDT'S OFFICE - DAY

The next day. Schmidt, neat as usual, sits at his cubicle, lost in thought. He picks up his cell phone, scrolls through names, stops at "Cece", stares at it, then puts the phone down.

ELIZABETH (O.S.)

Hey.

She is standing there by his cubicle and he is startled.

SCHMIDT

Elizabeth. Ah...hi.

ELIZABETH

Expecting someone else?

SCHMIDT

No, no. I tried to call you last night.

ELIZABETH

I needed time to think.

SCHMIDT

Okay. So...still mad at me?

ELIZABETH

Yes...but...I forgive you. Do you forgive me?

SCHMIDT

For what? Turning me into a living salad?

ELIZABETH

Yes.

SCHMIDT

No probs...problem. I deserved it. I'm sorry. I won't try to make you do anything you don't want to do.

ELIZABETH

Good. Just be honest with me from now on. Okay?

SCHMIDT

Honest? Yeah...ah...then...then we need to talk about something.

ELIZABETH

Oh? What?

SCHMIDT

Not here.

He stands and as they are about to leave Cece comes around the corner and stops. She sees them, but they don't see her. She just stands there, resigned, a look of sadness on her face as they walk away.

INT. LOFT, KITCHEN - EVENING

Jess is sitting at the table alone, cup of tea nearby. She keeps glancing at her cellphone on the table but does nothing with it. Nick enters the kitchen.

NICK

Hey. Did she call?

JESS

(sad)

No. Did you talk to Schmidt?

NICK

Not since this morning.

He gets a beer out of the fridge, opens it, sits next to her. She picks up her cellphone and then puts it down.

NICK

Just call her already. They must have talked by now.

JESS

I'm afraid.

NICK

Of what?

JESS

That...she'll do what I don't want her to do.

NICK

Jess...it's her choice.

JESS

I know. Just I think it's the wrong choice, but I'm afraid to tell her that since it will upset her if I don't support her choice. And then I'm afraid if she does take my advice and has the baby, it will ruin her life and she'll blame me for that. And what about her career? Her family? God, it's just...it's just too much to deal with.

NICK

Look, I get it. But she's your best friend. You have to deal with it, no matter how hard it is.

JESS

(sighs)

I know.(beat) Nick, if it ever happens to us...I'm having the baby.

Nick is clearly uncomfortable with this topic.

NICK

Then let's make sure it doesn't happen to us.

JESS

Yeah, sure, but just so you know, I will have your baby.

Before Nick can answer her, Winston has come into the kitchen, dressed for his night job, wearing suit and tie. He has heard this last part.

WINSTON

(surprised)

What? Are you pregnant for real?

JESS

No!

NICK

(exasperated)

Will you please get your facts straight before you speak.

WINSTON

Sorry!

Winston sits.

WINSTON

Did Cece and Schmidt talk yet?

JESS

We don't know.

INT. CECE'S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Cece sits on the sofa, the ultrasound photo in hand, smiling at it, and then her face falls, sad. Her roommate NADIA comes in from another room, dressed to the nines, obviously going out. Cece quickly pulls down the photo, hiding it.

NADIA

You come to my book party, Cece, yes?

CECE

What?

NADIA

Party for my book. "Russian Model's Adventures in LA". Big seller, now in print, too. Sell more than little man's zombie book. What is zombie? Dead man is not for me.

CECE

No, sorry, Nadia. I...I have things to do.

NADIA

Too bad. Real Wilma Valdilammaarra is there. I give him air kiss for you.

She opens the door to leave the apartment and Schmidt is there, about to knock.

NADIA

Cece. The Jewish is here.

Cece puts the photo on the table, stands, surprised.

CECE

Schmidt?

SCHMIDT

Hey. I...

NADIA

(interrupting)

So, Jewish, you ruin Cece's wedding. You do in Russia we put small animal in pants.

SCHMIDT

What?

CECE

Nadia, don't you have to be at a party?

Nadia glares at Schmidt, looks down at his crotch.

NADIA

You hurt Cece, I break you again.

Schmidt grabs his crotch protectively.

SCHMIDT

(high voice)

No worries.

CECE

Nadia!

She leaves and Schmidt enters.

SCHMIDT

Hey.

CECE

Hi.

Awkward pause.

CECE

Look, I have to tell you I'm...

SCHMIDT

I know.

She is clearly surprised.

CECE

How?...Jess told you!

SCHMIDT

No! Winston saw you guys at the clinic and put two and two together and got a gazillion as usual. He thought it was Jess. Winston was freaking everyone out so Jess came clean.

CECE

So she did tell you.

SCHMIDT

Yeah, but...but that's not important. What is important is you, right now. What are you...

CECE

I don't want a baby.

Schmidt is surprised but recovers.

SCHMIDT

Okay. But...don't I have a say in this?

CECE

Why? You don't want me, you've made that clear.

SCHMIDT

Yes, I did...but...it's our baby! It will be a beautiful, Indo-Judean god...or goddess. Do you want to deprive the world of our beautiful baby?

CECE

Schmidt. I can't raise a baby by myself.

SCHMIDT

You won't have to. Last year when you had your pregnancy scare I told you'd I'd be there for you. Nothing has changed. I'll be there.

CECE

Oh, right, with Elizabeth supporting you all the way?

SCHMIDT

Yes.

CECE

Get serious. She...

SCHMIDT

(interrupting)

She said she would support me. We had a long talk about it today.

CECE

(skeptical)

And she is fine with another woman having your baby?

SCHMIDT

She was mad, at first, but it all happened before I got back together with her. And, to be honest, she is very pro-life.

CECE

This is not her life! It's mine!

Cece turns away from him, mad, sits on the sofa. Schmidt sits next to her. He sees the photo and picks it up, face awed.

SCHMIDT

Is this...?

CECE

Yes.

Schmidt is clearly emotional.

SCHMIDT

(to photo)

Hello, Mordecai.

CECE

Mordecai?

SCHMIDT

Or...or whatever name you want.

CECE

Schmidt, I...I can't do this. My life will be ruined.

SCHMIDT

Why?

CECE

You're an idiot.

SCHMIDT

People have been telling me that a lot lately.

CECE

I can't be pregnant and be a model.

SCHMIDT

Maternity wear.

CECE

What?

SCHMIDT

This just opens up a whole new world of fashion for you. I'm in advertising, I know. Maternity wear is big. Bras especially. You're going to be huge. I can already see it happening.

Cece laughs a bit.

SCHMIDT

And then when the baby comes there are lots of mom and baby modeling gigs.

Cece thinks about this, and then smiles a bit.

CECE

It would be a beautiful baby.

SCHMIDT

Of course it would.

Then Cece's face clouds over.

CECE

My family will never understand. First my wedding disaster and now this? I...I can't do this.

He reaches out and holds her hand.

SCHMIDT

Cece...you can do it. You're strong, and tough. And let's face facts...you're not getting any younger. And have so few eggs. This might be your last chance.

CECE

(mad, pulls away)

Douchebag!

SCHMIDT

That I am.

CECE

(sighs)

But you're right. (beat) You couldn't tell me in a nicer way?

SCHMIDT

I thought douchebag me would serve as better shock value.

She just shakes her head at him, resigned to his idiocy.

SCHMIDT

So...what are you going to do?

INT. LOFT, NICK'S ROOM - NIGHT

Nick is at his computer writing as Jess sits on the bed correcting her adult school students' writing assignments. Her cellphone is next to her and she keeps looking at it but doesn't pick it up. She looks over at Nick and he is just staring at the computer screen.

JESS

How's it going?

NICK

I'm stuck. I need a name for a villain. Kind of an exotic name, but with a European flair.

Jess thinks.

JESS

Make him French. Everyone hates the French.

NICK

Yes! Pierre La Pew.

JESS

Nick, that's just like the cartoon skunk.

NICK

No, that's Pepe. Pierre is not the same!

JESS

Is he going to be a lover like Pepe?

NICK

Yeah! And he tries to steal Jessica Knight away from Pepperwood. At first, she falls for his slimy French charm, and then...

JESS

Too unrealistic.

NICK

Why? It'd be a great twist!

JESS

Twists are too highly rated. Also, you've set Jessica up to be so in love with Pepperwood she'd die for him.

NICK

Oh, yeah.

They hear the front door open and close.

NICK

Schmidt.

INT. LOFT, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Schmidt is sitting on the sofa, depressed. Nick and Jess come from his bedroom.

NICK

Hey.

JESS

What happened?

SCHMIDT

She didn't call you?

JESS

No.

SCHMIDT

I'm going to be a father.

Jess and Nick high five each other.

NICK

Yeah!

JESS

(sings, Paul Anka)

She's having your baby!

(normal)

I have to call her!

Jess runs for her cell phone.

NICK

Congrats, man!

Nick tries to high five Schmidt but he doesn't move. Nick realizes something is up and sits next to him.

NICK

I thought you'd be happy. The last time this happened you couldn't shut up about it.

SCHMIDT

I know. I _was_ happy, up to the point where she decided.

NICK

So why the long face?

SCHMIDT

I'm going to be a father! For real! Do you know what that means?

NICK

Yeah. You can't be a douchebag anymore.

SCHMIDT

Exactamundo!

NICK

Well, Fonzie, you were already heading that way when you started dating Elizabeth again. So, what did she say about all this baby stuff?

SCHMIDT

Elizabeth's cool. In fact, she's so cool, I think she's testing me, wants to see how I handle this one and then...pop, pop, pop! Suddenly I have a baseball team! Driving the mini-van, covered in ice cream and vomit, changing diapers in restaurant restrooms, the whole frickin' nine yards!

NICK

My nightmare.

SCHMIDT

(resigned)

Life is over.

NICK

Welcome to adulthood.

INT. CECE'S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Jess and Cece sit and talk on the sofa.

JESS

I'm sorry I didn't visit or call you sooner.

CECE

I should have called you. But I knew what you would say and I didn't want to fight with you.

JESS

I'm a teacher, I love children, I just can't help it.

CECE

I know.

She sighs heavily and looks very scared.

JESS

We'll be right there with you. All the way.

Cece nods, almost teary.

CECE

I have to call my mom and step dad.

JESS

Oh, man. Maybe it can wait... like...eight months? They do live in Portland after all.

Cece laughs a bit.

CECE

I just wish...I wish...

JESS

I know. But he's with her now.

CECE

I screwed up so badly. You're lucky. You're with the man you love.

JESS

Yeah. It's...nice.

CECE

Jess, promise me something?

JESS

What?

CECE

Don't screw it up. No matter what stupid thing Nick does, and you know how stupid he can get, just...forgive him. Find a way to forgive him.

JESS

I will.

INT. LOFT, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

It's dark as Daisy and Winston enter from outside, kissing as they come in, starting to take their clothes off. Winston hits the light switch and there is a shout.

NICK

Lights off, man!

Nick and Jess are on the sofa, half undressed, scrambling to wrap a blanket around themselves as they stand.

WINSTON

(angry)

You have two bedrooms!

NICK

She has a whole apartment!

DAISY

Your place was closer.

JESS

Okay. Let's just all of us, say good night and go to our rooms and pretend this never happened.

DAISY

I need the bathroom first.

She heads down the hall.

WINSTON

(mad)

I thought we had an agreement!

Jess and Nick look a bit embarrassed.

JESS

Funny story about that. See...

Then there is a SCREAM from down the hall. Daisy comes running back.

DAISY

There's someone doing it in the bathroom!

Just then Schmidt and Elizabeth come from the hallway. They walk by, Schmidt wrapped in a towel and Elizabeth in a bathrobe and they both have wet hair. They don't look at anyone but walk straight past.

SCHMIDT

Evening.

ELIZABETH

Good night.

They walk towards Schmidt's room and disappear inside.

WINSTON

Agreement null and void! Baby, where you want to do it? The shower? The kitchen? I know... Nick's room!

NICK

Stay out, man!

DAISY

Actually, I'm kinda not in the mood now. Haven't really been in the mood all night.

WINSTON

(incredulous)

What?

JESS

It's the pill. When you first go on it, it kinda zaps your sex drive.

WINSTON

NOOOOOOO!

JESS

Night.

NICK

Have fun.

ROLL END CREDITS

Nick and Jess exit towards Nick's room. Winston sits on the sofa, defeated. Daisy sits next to him.

DAISY

We can still snuggle.

She turns on the TV and wraps her arms around him.

DAISY

Oh, SVU. I love this show. Do you have any popcorn?

Winston just shakes his head in disbelief, looks up to heaven and shakes his head once more.

WINSTON

Why God? Why me?

FADE OUT


End file.
